real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize