I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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