Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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