I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
