My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
