I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
