He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
