I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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