I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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