slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
