Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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