there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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