Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
