Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
