I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
