my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
