Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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