I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
