and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
