smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
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