I'm gonna have a badass scar
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize