remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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