Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
