I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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