How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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