I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
