I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
