dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
