I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
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