I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
