i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
