maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
