I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
