Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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