I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
