My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
