That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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