ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
