if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
