hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
