i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
