Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You're like the curious george of whores
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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