When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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