im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
