So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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