that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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