i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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