found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
