If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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