There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
