fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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