Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
