last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
