I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
