I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
