I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
